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With a roller coaster of ups and downs over the last couple of months, I am once again finding myself in need of some deep reflection on the direction I want to take.  I find it so easy to get sucked into the trivial details of life and I can most often justify it to myself…but I know the truth!

Last month I attended a peyote ceremony…my first one.  I went with a really close friend and when I asked her what I could expect, all she said was “after your experience, you won’t be able to bullshit yourself anymore”.  She was right!

There is something very freeing in knowing when you are bullshitting yourself (really knowing) and there is also something very scary about it too…

And, as it turns out, I bullshit myself quite a bit!

It is usually in the form of second guessing myself, or putting things off thinking I will get to them in the future (and I’m not talking about dishes or laundry, the REAL things I need to be doing).

So know I have had my bullshit metered tuned (or maybe I can just read it better now), yet I am still finding it difficult to motivate myself to do what needs to be done!   I have stuck myself in a routine that I am worried I will never be able to pull myself out of.



Almost a month since my last entry…it appears as though I cannot be held accountable for my accountability!

Procrastination aside, I did realize something this morning that I thought noteworthy.

Children do not stop talking!

Of course, that was not my realization, but this morning after three hours of three kids talking non-stop and me going through the motions of nodding and saying random things to them like “that’s interesting”, “sounds like fun”, “maybe one day”, while at the same time trying to hold my own conversations with people and get other things done, I decided to stop what I was doing and actually pay attention for a while.

Turns out they are pretty entertaining.

And it occurred to me that maybe, if I took the time to listen to them ramble more often, and try see that world from their perspective, I might learn something about how to live in the moment and see things in a new way…my own little reminder about my intentions on this journey at my disposal 24/7 (because that is how often they are talking!).

We shall see…


”I think midlife is when the universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear:
I’m not screwing around. It’s time. All of this pretending and performing – these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt – has to go.

Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure all of the things you needed to feel worthy of love and belonging, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever.

Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through you. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen.”

~ Brené Brown


It has been around two months since we have moved to the ranch and started homeschooling the kids and things have been…interesting.

The homeschooling program went on an extended hiatus over Christmas and it seems like we are only now getting back into the groove.  I am still struggling every day with what I have been told my entire life of how and what kids are supposed to learn at school, and what I truly and deeply believe to be the best way for them to learn.

 I think the hardest part about accepting my unschooling/homeschooling regime is that the majority of the world hasn’t and I can fully appreciate my kids growing up and feeling like I shorted them on a proper education the same way I feel a little cheated out of not being taught in an enriching environment that may have allowed me to really explore my talents instead of teaching me a bunch of crap I didn’t care about.

I am also feeling a little guilt because my Mom has been visiting for the past month so we have been spending most of our time at her house poaching her electricity and internet and the kids have been spending WAY more time on Netflix and youtube than I would like to admit (I may be overdoing it on Pinterest myself).

I have been finding solace in my books on tape and have been listening to The Four Agreements repeatedly for the last couple of weeks.  It is my reminder of why I am doing this and that it is not meant to be easy…something I have had a hard time remembering lately!!!



prayer for freedom and love

Today, Creator of the Universe, we ask that you come to us and share with us a strong communion of love. We know that your real name is Love, that to have a communion with you means to share the same vibration, the same frequency that you are, because you are the only thing that exists in the universe.

Today, help us to be like you are, to love life, to be life, to be love. Help us to love the way you love, with no conditions, no expectations, no obligations, without any judgment. Help us to love and accept ourselves without any judgment, because when we judge ourselves, we find ourselves guilty and we need to be punished.

Help us to love everything you create unconditionally, especially other human beings, especially those who live around us—all our relatives and people whom we try so hard to love. Because when we reject them, we reject ourselves, and when we reject ourselves, we reject You.

Help us to love others just the way they are with no conditions. Help us to accept them the way they are, without judgment, because if we judge them, we find them guilty, we blame them, and we have the need to punish them.

Today, clean our hearts of any emotional poison that we have, free our minds from any judgment so that we can live in complete peace and complete love.

Today is a very special day. Today we open our hearts to love again so that we can tell each other “I love you,” without any fear, and really mean it. Today, we offer ourselves to you. Come to us, use our voices, use our eyes, use our hands, and use our hearts to share ourselves in a communion of love with everyone. Today, Creator, help us to be just like you are. Thank you for everything that we receive this day, especially for the freedom to be who we really are. Amen.

-Don Miguel Ruiz (excerpt from The Four Agreements)


First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out— 
Because I was not a Socialist. 

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out—  
Because I was not a Trade Unionist. 

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out— 
Because I was not a Jew. 

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me. 

– Martin Niemöller (1892–1984)