flashback

I wish I could go back in time…back to the beginning…to the early years.

I wish I could tell myself to enjoy it.

It will pass.

You can do it.

My situation back then was, in a word, somber.  Not always.  Not a term I would have used out loud then, but I remember that to be how I felt a lot the time. Trying to keep up with two small and intense boys (on my own most often), always waiting, lonely but never alone, and completely and utterly EXHAUSTED!

I remember the thought of having to get up and do it all again to be enough to send me into a mild state of depression but the redundancy of it all allowed me to maneuver on auto-pilot, wishing for time to travel to a place where I felt composed and in control.

…when I look back I can see remnants of the life I want(ed), but it was impossible for me at the time to see the forest through the trees.

And now I am sad disappointed….

I am disappointed that I was never able to put myself in that place.  More worried about what I thought I should be doing and never taking the time to just ‘be’.

‘Be’ with my kids in their utterly chaotic and wild world.

‘Be’ with myself (and my fears and insecurities).

‘Be’ in the space I was occupying at the time and ‘be’ with each and every person that was in that space with me.

And now those little boys are gone…grown and blossomed and I will never be in that world with them again (be careful what you wish for!).

This poem crossed my path a while back and is a beautiful reminder to me of how quickly it all passes.

Now when I find myself in a state of depletion, I try to bring to mind that time will pass and before long this difficult moment will transform into something new.  And even more so when I am embraced in a moment of inspriational bliss with my children, I need remember that too will pass so enjoy it to its fullest.

I will persist…I will fight…I will concur my urge to yell and be consumed by the negativity and desperation of those difficult moments.

I wish I could go back in time…to a year ago…to yesterday…to this morning…to remind myself you will never get this time back!

But regret I will not.  And now, if I am wishing, I wish for the strength to appreciate this moment, to remind myself to not waste the new moments living in the past…but to learn and move on and do better tomorrow, today…NOW.

 

 

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