08/02

I am not going to dwell on the fact that it has been over two months since I have been back to this space.  I am not going to make excuses for why I have left it.  I am not going to promise to do better…I am just going to write!

I just went back and read though my earlier posts and have realized how far I have come and also how much farther I want to go.  Just as life is, things have been crazy and hectic and unpredictable yet monotonous at the same time…and time keeps moving….

We are moving into summer now and it is getting hot!  In my tiny part of the world, this is almost the only seasonal change we have throughout the year and it is when everything seems to stop.  The vegetables stop growing, the breezes stop blowing, the animals lay around in their shaded spots, and we all move slowly!

Our solace in the summer here is the warm ocean water and forgiving waves that allow us to swim in parts of the Pacific that are usually too dangerous the rest of the year, and we take full advantage.

But it is really so much more than just cooling off or finding something to do when it’s too hot to do anything.  There is something almost cosmic about being in the water.  I know I don’t have the words to do it justice, but I have never in my life found anything quite as peaceful and grounding and just being in the water and being with the water.

Beyond that there seems to be a kind of kindred connection between people when they are suffering together.  A time when our similarities are more obvious than our differences and we can all encourage and help each other get through it together!

So, my takeaway from this post is to try to keep myself connected to the positive things in my life right now and not get sucked into a miserable pit of despair waiting for it to be over…because this too shall pass!

05/19

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With a roller coaster of ups and downs over the last couple of months, I am once again finding myself in need of some deep reflection on the direction I want to take.  I find it so easy to get sucked into the trivial details of life and I can most often justify it to myself…but I know the truth!

Last month I attended a peyote ceremony…my first one.  I went with a really close friend and when I asked her what I could expect, all she said was “after your experience, you won’t be able to bullshit yourself anymore”.  She was right!

There is something very freeing in knowing when you are bullshitting yourself (really knowing) and there is also something very scary about it too…

And, as it turns out, I bullshit myself quite a bit!

It is usually in the form of second guessing myself, or putting things off thinking I will get to them in the future (and I’m not talking about dishes or laundry, the REAL things I need to be doing).

So know I have had my bullshit metered tuned (or maybe I can just read it better now), yet I am still finding it difficult to motivate myself to do what needs to be done!   I have stuck myself in a routine that I am worried I will never be able to pull myself out of.

 

03/22

Almost a month since my last entry…it appears as though I cannot be held accountable for my accountability!

Procrastination aside, I did realize something this morning that I thought noteworthy.

Children do not stop talking!

Of course, that was not my realization, but this morning after three hours of three kids talking non-stop and me going through the motions of nodding and saying random things to them like “that’s interesting”, “sounds like fun”, “maybe one day”, while at the same time trying to hold my own conversations with people and get other things done, I decided to stop what I was doing and actually pay attention for a while.

Turns out they are pretty entertaining.

And it occurred to me that maybe, if I took the time to listen to them ramble more often, and try see that world from their perspective, I might learn something about how to live in the moment and see things in a new way…my own little reminder about my intentions on this journey at my disposal 24/7 (because that is how often they are talking!).

We shall see…

02/25

”I think midlife is when the universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear:
I’m not screwing around. It’s time. All of this pretending and performing – these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt – has to go.

Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure all of the things you needed to feel worthy of love and belonging, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever.

Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through you. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen.”

~ Brené Brown

02/08

It has been around two months since we have moved to the ranch and started homeschooling the kids and things have been…interesting.

The homeschooling program went on an extended hiatus over Christmas and it seems like we are only now getting back into the groove.  I am still struggling every day with what I have been told my entire life of how and what kids are supposed to learn at school, and what I truly and deeply believe to be the best way for them to learn.

 I think the hardest part about accepting my unschooling/homeschooling regime is that the majority of the world hasn’t and I can fully appreciate my kids growing up and feeling like I shorted them on a proper education the same way I feel a little cheated out of not being taught in an enriching environment that may have allowed me to really explore my talents instead of teaching me a bunch of crap I didn’t care about.

I am also feeling a little guilt because my Mom has been visiting for the past month so we have been spending most of our time at her house poaching her electricity and internet and the kids have been spending WAY more time on Netflix and youtube than I would like to admit (I may be overdoing it on Pinterest myself).

I have been finding solace in my books on tape and have been listening to The Four Agreements repeatedly for the last couple of weeks.  It is my reminder of why I am doing this and that it is not meant to be easy…something I have had a hard time remembering lately!!!

 

 

prayer for freedom and love

Today, Creator of the Universe, we ask that you come to us and share with us a strong communion of love. We know that your real name is Love, that to have a communion with you means to share the same vibration, the same frequency that you are, because you are the only thing that exists in the universe.

Today, help us to be like you are, to love life, to be life, to be love. Help us to love the way you love, with no conditions, no expectations, no obligations, without any judgment. Help us to love and accept ourselves without any judgment, because when we judge ourselves, we find ourselves guilty and we need to be punished.

Help us to love everything you create unconditionally, especially other human beings, especially those who live around us—all our relatives and people whom we try so hard to love. Because when we reject them, we reject ourselves, and when we reject ourselves, we reject You.

Help us to love others just the way they are with no conditions. Help us to accept them the way they are, without judgment, because if we judge them, we find them guilty, we blame them, and we have the need to punish them.

Today, clean our hearts of any emotional poison that we have, free our minds from any judgment so that we can live in complete peace and complete love.

Today is a very special day. Today we open our hearts to love again so that we can tell each other “I love you,” without any fear, and really mean it. Today, we offer ourselves to you. Come to us, use our voices, use our eyes, use our hands, and use our hearts to share ourselves in a communion of love with everyone. Today, Creator, help us to be just like you are. Thank you for everything that we receive this day, especially for the freedom to be who we really are. Amen.

-Don Miguel Ruiz (excerpt from The Four Agreements)