05/19

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With a roller coaster of ups and downs over the last couple of months, I am once again finding myself in need of some deep reflection on the direction I want to take.  I find it so easy to get sucked into the trivial details of life and I can most often justify it to myself…but I know the truth!

Last month I attended a peyote ceremony…my first one.  I went with a really close friend and when I asked her what I could expect, all she said was “after your experience, you won’t be able to bullshit yourself anymore”.  She was right!

There is something very freeing in knowing when you are bullshitting yourself (really knowing) and there is also something very scary about it too…

And, as it turns out, I bullshit myself quite a bit!

It is usually in the form of second guessing myself, or putting things off thinking I will get to them in the future (and I’m not talking about dishes or laundry, the REAL things I need to be doing).

So know I have had my bullshit metered tuned (or maybe I can just read it better now), yet I am still finding it difficult to motivate myself to do what needs to be done!   I have stuck myself in a routine that I am worried I will never be able to pull myself out of.

 

02/25

”I think midlife is when the universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear:
I’m not screwing around. It’s time. All of this pretending and performing – these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt – has to go.

Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure all of the things you needed to feel worthy of love and belonging, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever.

Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through you. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen.”

~ Brené Brown

tea in a whisky bottle

This is me!  Not whiskey in a tea cup, but more tea in a whiskey bottle!

On the outside I come across as outgoing and social.  I’m fun at parties, can talk to anyone, and I’m pretty much the funniest person I know!  But on the inside I am actually quite a loner who would rather stay home reading a good book  (or pinning) than go out and have to socialize.

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The struggle is real!

Despite knowing this about myself, I still somehow seem to have a problem doing the latter when the former is an option.  I have no idea why it is so hard for me to say ‘no’ to social engagements.   I’m not overly concerned about disappointing people by not attending their event and I most often seem to regret going once it’s over, but at the time I somehow seem to trick myself into thinking it will be more fun than it usually is.

And this is not the only area of my life with which I am at odds.  Pretty much everything I do seems to be one extreme or another;

-I am mildly vain but too lazy to do anything about it (i.e brush my hair, wear sunscreen, exercise, etc.)

-I want to eat and live healthy but mostly conclude that if I am not eating an organic, raw-vegan diet grown from my own garden and doing hours of yoga and meditation a day then I might as well have a hamburger and a beer and try again tomorrow (or Monday, or next month if tomorrow is Monday).

-I want to spend time with my kids but I can always justify throwing a movie on for them so I can have some time to myself (it never works btw).

The list goes on and on…

I recently finished a nutrition course that suggested the best way to make changes is with simple steps (basically the exact opposite of my ‘giant leap’ approach).  So instead of taking an extreme jump and not making it over and over again, you make small and simple changes that can be attached to habits you already have like doing jumping jacks before you brush your teeth or drinking a glass of water 5 minutes before eating.  Simple right!

But I cannot seem to figure it out.  Maybe there is just too much chaos and not enough routine in my life (although I do eat and brush my teeth everyday!).  Or maybe I am just too  stubborn with my ‘all or nothing’ attitude.

So I guess the moral of the story is that I have no idea what I am doing and even though I have a general idea of where I want to be, I’m no wiser about how to get there…

Life=1, Me=0

 

 

 

 

Happy New Year

I have been finding it hard to get myself back into writing.  I have come here so many times and just didn’t have the words.  I am fighting myself again worrying about what things are supposed to look like instead of what the purpose for this blog was all along.

I would start to write and get blocked thinking about what people might want to hear (my whole 2 followers…thank you!) instead of what I want to say.

Why?

Why do I make things so hard for myself?  I am truly my own worst enemy.

But the reality is I am not doing this to paint an unrealistic picture of a perfect woman with a perfect family that has everything all figured out.  Nor am I doing this to highlight the stresses of raising kids or home schooling or anything else.

I am doing this for me.  For my accountability.  Because it helps me.  Because it brings a sense of purpose to the chaos.  Because it keeps me in the present when I have such a tendency to fade into the past or get caught up in the prosperities of the future.

And maybe whomever reads this will like it, or maybe they won’t, but I will keep going to keep my sanity and remember in the process that if it were easy it wouldn’t be worth it!

Happy New Year!!

 

 

flashback

I wish I could go back in time…back to the beginning…to the early years.

I wish I could tell myself to enjoy it.

It will pass.

You can do it.

My situation back then was, in a word, somber.  Not always.  Not a term I would have used out loud then, but I remember that to be how I felt a lot the time. Trying to keep up with two small and intense boys (on my own most often), always waiting, lonely but never alone, and completely and utterly EXHAUSTED!

I remember the thought of having to get up and do it all again to be enough to send me into a mild state of depression but the redundancy of it all allowed me to maneuver on auto-pilot, wishing for time to travel to a place where I felt composed and in control.

…when I look back I can see remnants of the life I want(ed), but it was impossible for me at the time to see the forest through the trees.

And now I am sad disappointed….

I am disappointed that I was never able to put myself in that place.  More worried about what I thought I should be doing and never taking the time to just ‘be’.

‘Be’ with my kids in their utterly chaotic and wild world.

‘Be’ with myself (and my fears and insecurities).

‘Be’ in the space I was occupying at the time and ‘be’ with each and every person that was in that space with me.

And now those little boys are gone…grown and blossomed and I will never be in that world with them again (be careful what you wish for!).

This poem crossed my path a while back and is a beautiful reminder to me of how quickly it all passes.

Now when I find myself in a state of depletion, I try to bring to mind that time will pass and before long this difficult moment will transform into something new.  And even more so when I am embraced in a moment of inspriational bliss with my children, I need remember that too will pass so enjoy it to its fullest.

I will persist…I will fight…I will concur my urge to yell and be consumed by the negativity and desperation of those difficult moments.

I wish I could go back in time…to a year ago…to yesterday…to this morning…to remind myself you will never get this time back!

But regret I will not.  And now, if I am wishing, I wish for the strength to appreciate this moment, to remind myself to not waste the new moments living in the past…but to learn and move on and do better tomorrow, today…NOW.

 

 

inauguration…

It has been my life for a while now, that I find myself sitting back and watching my life pass by.  Not watching in a sense of ‘taking it all in’, but more in an ‘I’ll get to it later’ or ‘I can’t wait until…’ sort of way.

For the majority of my adult life I have found it a difficult thing to commit myself to staying in one place and somehow managed  to not accomplish a whole lot in the process; and as such, I have been living the life of somewhat of a vagabond (despite having hitched myself to the wagon of another and having brought into this world three beautiful children).

But now I find myself in a new realm of desire.  One where what things look like are far less important than what they actually are and there is a longing in me to find my way to a place where I can put roots in the ground (both figuratively and literally) and perhaps in the process even leave a piece of this world a little better than it was before.

My purpose in this new and evolving life (and within these words and those yet to come) is to create a space that is open and honest and helps brings me to a place of simplicity and peace. It is a space for me to hold myself accountable for feeling gratitude for what is right in front of me and appreciating the amazing surroundings amongst me in this world.

This space is a channel for me to chronicle my journey to this place of solitude, sustainability and serenity and share it with whomever is willing to listen.

Best Regards

-J