This is me! Not whiskey in a tea cup, but more tea in a whiskey bottle!
On the outside I come across as outgoing and social. I’m fun at parties, can talk to anyone, and I’m pretty much the funniest person I know! But on the inside I am actually quite a loner who would rather stay home reading a good book (or pinning) than go out and have to socialize.
Despite knowing this about myself, I still somehow seem to have a problem doing the latter when the former is an option. I have no idea why it is so hard for me to say ‘no’ to social engagements. I’m not overly concerned about disappointing people by not attending their event and I most often seem to regret going once it’s over, but at the time I somehow seem to trick myself into thinking it will be more fun than it usually is.
And this is not the only area of my life with which I am at odds. Pretty much everything I do seems to be one extreme or another;
-I am mildly vain but too lazy to do anything about it (i.e brush my hair, wear sunscreen, exercise, etc.)
-I want to eat and live healthy but mostly conclude that if I am not eating an organic, raw-vegan diet grown from my own garden and doing hours of yoga and meditation a day then I might as well have a hamburger and a beer and try again tomorrow (or Monday, or next month if tomorrow is Monday).
-I want to spend time with my kids but I can always justify throwing a movie on for them so I can have some time to myself (it never works btw).
The list goes on and on…
I recently finished a nutrition course that suggested the best way to make changes is with simple steps (basically the exact opposite of my ‘giant leap’ approach). So instead of taking an extreme jump and not making it over and over again, you make small and simple changes that can be attached to habits you already have like doing jumping jacks before you brush your teeth or drinking a glass of water 5 minutes before eating. Simple right!
But I cannot seem to figure it out. Maybe there is just too much chaos and not enough routine in my life (although I do eat and brush my teeth everyday!). Or maybe I am just too stubborn with my ‘all or nothing’ attitude.
So I guess the moral of the story is that I have no idea what I am doing and even though I have a general idea of where I want to be, I’m no wiser about how to get there…
I have been finding it hard to get myself back into writing. I have come here so many times and just didn’t have the words. I am fighting myself again worrying about what things are supposed to look like instead of what the purpose for this blog was all along.
I would start to write and get blocked thinking about what people might want to hear (my whole 2 followers…thank you!) instead of what I want to say.
Why do I make things so hard for myself? I am truly my own worst enemy.
But the reality is I am not doing this to paint an unrealistic picture of a perfect woman with a perfect family that has everything all figured out. Nor am I doing this to highlight the stresses of raising kids or home schooling or anything else.
I am doing this for me. For my accountability. Because it helps me. Because it brings a sense of purpose to the chaos. Because it keeps me in the present when I have such a tendency to fade into the past or get caught up in the prosperities of the future.
And maybe whomever reads this will like it, or maybe they won’t, but I will keep going to keep my sanity and remember in the process that if it were easy it wouldn’t be worth it!
Happy New Year!!
Words for my minimalist aspirations;
1/ Minimalism isn’t emptiness for the sake of emptiness; but rather making room to move freely, think clearly, and open ourselves to the beauty and wonder of life. -Francene Jay
2/ If you possess something but you can’t give it away, then you don’t possess it…it possesses you –Frank Sinatra
3/ Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over you body –George Carline
4/ Be as simple as you can be; you will be astonished to see how uncomplicated and happy your life can become –Paramhansa Yogananda
5/ Possession of material riches, without inner peace, is like dying of thirst while bathing in a lake –Paramhansa Yogananda
6/ The case of most of man’s unhappiness is sacrificing what he wants most for what he wants now –Gordon B. Hinckley
7/ There are two ways to get enough: One is to continue to accumulate more and more. The other is to desire less –G K Chesterton
8/ May we be consumed with the Creator of all things rather than with things created –Romans 1:25
I woke up on the morning of our 21st move in eight years excited about finally getting into our own house and also a little nervous about having to actually commit to living life like a (modern?) eighteenth century homemaker. But there was no turning back.
A few days later, as I parted my way to the composting toilet in the middle of the night, I began to seriously question some of my life choices.
After returning back to bed with an emptied bladder and a racing mind, I started ruminating various exit strategies, none of which were extremely realistic.
My mind began to wander to intense reflection of the events that transpired in the recent past, bringing us to this exact point. And then it hit me. The undeniable truth of it all. You asked for this!
Rewind to the previous year-ish…
you wanted your husband to be home every night / now you are tripping over his shoes
you wanted to live more sustainably / you are peeing in a composting toilet
you wanted to be off the grid / you are living without power
you wanted to spend more time with your kids / you are homeschooling
you wanted to be closer as a family / you live in a 700 sq ft garage together
How does that saying go???
So after a good
laugh cry, I realized that there was only one thing I could (try to) do.
If I am:
annoyed at my husband (and his shoes being left right in front of the door)/ be GRATEFUL he is home with us and happy with his new career
regretting drinking that 3rd glass of water before bed / be GRATEFUL for an excuse to get out and see the stars
fumbling to prepare supper in the dark / be GRATEFUL for candlelit dinners with my family
struggling to divide my attention between my kids / be GRATEFUL to have these extra moments with them
seeking solitude in our chaotic ‘box’ / be GRATEFUL for the memories we are making
(I am also a lot more specific when I am ‘asking’ the universe for something!)